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Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Divine Bitchyness

The alarm went off this morning and the first thing I thought was damn.  I rolled over and decided to blank it all out and go back to sleep.  But the pissed off feeling grew and I knew there was no getting out of today so I got up. 

Thankfully my lovely husband had already made coffee so I poured myself what is normally my cup of happiness and sat down to watch the stupid morning news.  What is wrong with me?  Its my day off, I can do anything I want but all I want to do is punch holes in the walls.  I'm angry, more than that, I'm seriously pissed off.  Why, you ask?  I don't know.  I don't fucking know.  Maybe it's because I'm having my period which seems to usually be where the bad feelings stem from.  Who really cares at this point. 

The morning news anchors began to recount the drama of the evening before with frigid uncaring faces.  I found myself wanting to kick them in the stomaches so I turned off the tv and headed for the computer where I can at least pick and choose the news I catch up on in silence.  But not this morning.  In a world where new technology is obsolete only a few months after purchase, our computer would be considered to be a relic from the ice age.  For one, it has no wireless capabilities so we have installed a small satelite device that picks up on the signals around us.  This works about 60% of the time, and this morning was the other 40%. You catching my drift?  No internet.  Fine, screw the news anyway.  I resorted to sitting in fuming silence while I nursed my now luke-warm cup of joe. 

Maybe I needed a god damn long walk up the mountain by my house.  To stay warm in the 19 degree morning heat wave, I put on layers and took to the hills.  Apparently this was not going to go well for me either.  Black ice patches kept me sliding around and 3 times almost landing on my ass.  Can we just start this day over please?  What the fuck is up with the star alignment today? Is the moon stuck in a phase?  Was the planet rotation temporarily side tracked?  After I was sure the dogs had gotten enough fresh air, I headed home determined to somehow find an outlet for my frustration other than beating the frozen ground with my fists. 

I locked the dogs up and turned on a work out program on the tv.  As I started to sweat, I started to get even more pissed.  The more the workout lady said 'keep it up, you can do it', the more I started to swear at her.  With each weight lifted, an expletive aimed at the universe flew from my lips.  Over and over and over until I was swearing in time with the exercises.  After 45 minutes of sweating and swearing, I did the cool down and laid there on my mat huffing and puffing.   I was spent and shaky but I was also in a much better frame of mind.  

There are many ways to get through days that are not on your side but I've never had much luck with any of them, except for a sweaty swearing work out.  It does a dually good job of working out both the mind and the body.  Now that I've had my temper tantrum for the day, I think I can go on.  In fact, I am starting over.  I brewed a fresh pot of cofee, put on my sweats and warm socks and have selected a movie to get lost in over the course of the next few hours.  I'm not feeling 100% but my bitchyness is more centered and divine.  Enough so that I can relax my shoulders, loosen my jaw and let the weight of the world sit on someone elses shoulders for a while.

Monday, November 22, 2010

My War With a Gluten-Free Byatch

The gluten-free world is like a commune - a community of people sharing their favorite recipes with alternative ingredients, sharing what works, what doesn't and forming a sort of comaradare among the wheat intolerant.  Sharing recipes is the way we form our bonds.
So I was perusing websites and found a gluten-free blog with homemade recipes.  The post that caught my eye was for pan de muerto.   I was so excited I email the blogger for the recipe. Little did I know, I would be encountering over the course of the next 10 days, the worlds biggest meanest byatch. So I thought you could get your laugh on at our email exchange.  Can you say CREEPY LUNATIC?  You will after you read this. 

Here's an exerpt of the post:

10/31/10 Gluten Free Pan de Muerto
"......So today, while I was baking my Gluten Free Pan de Muerto, I was thinking about a number of people that have made a special place in my heart. I was also thinking about how happy some of them would be to see me making this bread and sharing it with others...
If you would like my recipe, please send me an email and let me know whose life you will be celebrating this Dia de los Muertos. I would love to hear just a little bit about someone that was special to you...

P.S. ...I will be giving the recipe to a limited number of people that share their story and for a limited time." 

On 11/3/10 sas wrote:
Hi, I'd like the recipe for the GF day of the dead sweet bread! Thanks so much,

On 11/5/2010 gluten free byatch wrote:
If you read the posting it asked that you share a story. It was also for a limited time and for a limited amount of people that would recieve it. Both have expired.

On 11/5/10 sas wrote:
Oh that is too bad. Would you please reconsider? I saw it just this week in Bobs Red Mill Blog and they listed your website as a good one to go to to get the gluten free recipe. My sister's son has a lot of food allergies and is really in need of some good bread recipes. He can't eat any gluten and they have really been struggling. I thought sharing your recipe with her would be my way of helping her out. That's too bad.

On 11/5/2010, gluten free byatch wrote:
Do you want the pear fig muffin recipe or the pan de muerto?

On 11/5/10 sas wrote:

Hi, The pan de muerto. Thank you so much! I want to surprise my sister with it for Thanksgiving day.

On 11/5/2010 gluten free byatch wrote:
The recipe is best made the day of and then if there are leftovers it is best to slice and freeze. It can be used for French Toast or bread pudding too! This is not a bread for sandwiches it is a sweet bread. Is that what you want?

On 11/5/2010 sas wrote:

Ok, that is good to know. No, I'm not looking for sandwich bread, I'd like the pan du muerto. I'm interested in the extra 'specialness' of the sweet bread for her son. I like the idea of using the bread for french toast!

On 11/8/2010 sas wrote:

Were you going to send the pan de muerto recipe? Thanks!

On 11/12/10 sas wrote:
(NOTE: i got tired of playing the 'please please give me the recipe' game by now, it just wasn't worth the trouble, she is obviously a lunatic)
Actually, nevermind! I don't need your recipe anymore. My sisters and I got the recipe from an actual chef - which is really what we needed all along. And his recipe rocks! We cooked it this weekend and it was soooo good and her boy loved it. So nevermind, we don't need your recipe anymore. Thanks anyway....

On 11/12/2010 gluten free byatch wrote:
Enjoy your attitude it will take you a long way!

Obviously she is a lunatic and possibly crazy.  Her responses were so immature, I decided a retort would be childish.  I'm sure her attitude will take her straight to... well, you know, I'm sure you can visualize exactly where.  I do feel sorry for her in a sense.  She seems to lack common courtesy and does not seem to interact well with people.  Maybe she just needs to take her gluten-free bitch-ass and...  Ok, that's all folks!

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Layin off the sauce

After intensive meetings with a naturopath for a few months, I have healed my thyroid and adrenals (which were very tired before), and dramatically improved my overall digestion of nutrients.

What has come out of this is a major diet change for me. I have massive food intolerances to Dairy and Gluten.

And I have an intolerance to Fruit and Sugar eaten together - this means no mayo or mustard (sugar and vinegar in them), no tomatoe sauce (unless it has no sugar in it - like homemade), no wine with dessert (wine and meats are fine, thank the good lord above), no margaritas (sugar and lime), no cashews with dark chocolate (cashews are from a fruit tree), no fruit pies, etc. I can have wine, I can have cashews, I can have dark chocolate, just not in combination. I'm trying to avoid potatoes and corn too since they are mostly sugars.
So basically, I can have nitrate free meats and lots o green vegetables and anything gluten free. Each meal consists of 80% greens, 15% proteins, and if necessary, 5% Gluten Free Grains (brown rice, rice pasta, etc). I can also substitute pure maple syrup for sugar so in theory I could have fruit desserts if they are cooked with maple syrup instead.

The good thing that has come out of all this is that for the first time in 25 years, I have the energy of a 6 year old. Not that I am running around with my head cut off like a kid or anything, but I most often now, can stay up till 11pm - which is a MIRACLE in an of itself for those who know me well. And even better, even more miraculously, I wake up with ease with only 7 hours of sleep. I'm treading carefully on this last miracle, b/c I'm waiting for the bottom to fall out on this one - deep down I am waiting to collapse with exhaustion after not getting 13 hours of sleep a night AND a nap.

When I tell folks of my dietary changes, they say they feel sorry for me. But realistically, I think this is the way that the gods meant us to eat. All I have to do basically, is throw processed foods, sauces and drinks out the window, then bring in the simple wholesome home-cooked meals made from scratch. It's healthier that way. And when you think about it, cows milk really is for only cows. The same goes for goats. All us mammals are weened at a certain age from our own species milk and only us go on to drink others milk.
With that being said, you are wondering, will she cheat? Lets just get things out into the open here. In regards to gluten, no, I won't cheat - I learned my lesson on that one. Only because any tiny bit of gluten (in salad dressings, tums, sauces, etc) will produce a lovely mustache-shaped rash around my mouth that will not go away for at least two weeks after exposure. Dairy, it is possible I will introduce a little dairy into my diet here and there. For instance, if I'm at a wine tasting and they are offering a lovely mound of homemade organic cheese to pick at, I will definitely take a bite or two. Or if I'm starved and the only food available is pizza, I will pick off the veggies along with the cheese and eat a little. But this tiny bit of dairy immediately clogs me up, making me feel like I have a cold and I become quite irritable after consuming.
So really, all in all, I'm better off without. If I want to feel like a million bucks, I've got to lay off the sauce.