Love Letter

before you

the hum drum of daily life was boring and held no meaning
going around in circles, repetitive tasks to pass the time
seasons cycled through without notice
escape
thats all i could think of
get away
live near the ocean
adapt to a rythmic quiet life at sea
hide within myself

after you

then there was you and only you
our hearts collide
although the world is still rotating
time pulses around us, unnoticed
life is shared, revealing a sense of purpose
loving you
thats all i think of now
eating up life in big bites, forgetting to chew
i love you
i always have
i always will

Personal Tormentors

"A strong woman has faith that she is strong enough for the journey
-- but a woman of strength has faith that  it is in the journey that she will become strong."
-anon

My mother always said that when life throws you lemons, add tequila and make margaritas. I'm sure she didn't mean that we should proceed to the nearest bar, although I just might have done that a time or two, as a healthy buzz can sometimes change one's perspective. Instead, I believe she meant that we need to try to find the best in others and in the situations we find ourselves in, no matter who is at fault.

With respect to her advice, this isn't always the easiest path to navigate. At first glance it appears much easier to dwell in the immediate misery, becoming bitter and resentful, holding a grudge, plotting revenge and crawling inside of ourselves. Be forewarned that doing so will shut us off from the rest of the world, stunt our personal growth, shade our happiness and wither our hearts (advice from my dad). We might as well be dead. Instead, although more difficult to traverse, it would appear to be wiser to choose the path to enlightenment which enables us to become better people through the difficult circumstances and blunders we sometimes find ourselves in.

Ultimately, these stressful situations most often involve a person who suffers from delusions of their own creation. I have no doubt these people have encountered their own personal trials but I also have no doubt that they have chosen to not better themselves because of those events. In fact, I might even go so far as to say that they live in a hallucination that is a complex web of pretenses and passive-aggressive motives that are required to maintain their deceptive reality. Unfortunately, I am sure we have all found ourselves faced with one of these so called personal tormentors of self esteem. Others might call them bullies. They are like the angel of death but instead they come to prey upon our self worth, hacking off bits and pieces of it until we are reduced to a shameful pile of insecurity that resembles our tormentor. Didn't someone say that the greatest cowards are most often the greatest bullies?

Ultimately, we must make a choice on how to react to that situation or that person. It's not always simple to remove ourselves from this type of oppressiveness. It takes time, patience, planning, and maybe even a good margarita (or two or three) to help us cope and forge a way out. But what I have found works best is a regular regime of dosing the self-esteem - consistently doing something that makes us feel worthwhile - mantras in front of the mirror, a therapist, a daily hug, writing in a journal, eating chocolate, a spa day, yoga, shopping, hanging with good friends, etc.  Much satisfaction can also be found in the role that karma plays - allowing the timeless cycle of what goes around, to come around. This ensures that the seed of self-respect that is planted within us, is nurtured and never allowed to waste away.  This cultivates an unbreakable pride and belief in the self.

And to those challenges we are facing or have faced, we may not fully understand why we had to go through them, but we will be able to say without a doubt, that we were able to emerge with only a few scratches because we reached deep within ourselves and found the will to survive.

And with that, I have this to say to a former personal tormentor who attempted to ruin me:

because of your lack of self respect, I learned to revere mine

because of your lack of organization, I honed my skills at juggling multiple priorities

because of your inefficiencies, I became a trusted resource

because of your childish immaturity, I matured and embraced my adulthood

because you were uncaring, I cared even more

because you took credit where credit was not due, I was not responsible for your failure

because you stole my ideas, I thought of better ones

because of your lies, I held steadfast to the truth

because you sought to destroy me, I became powerful

because you never followed through, I never let anything slip by

because you disliked me, I liked myself even more

because you put me down, I learned to build myself back up stronger

because you told me I was worthless, I grew to be invaluable

because of your unprofessionalism, I developed expertise 

because you hated me, I discovered how to love myself

because of your cruelty, I found compassion

because of your deceit, I acquired integrity

because of your weakness, I have limitless strength
And most all of, I forgive you. 

Because in forgiving our tormentors, we allow ourselves to grow and move on so that now when it's time for a margarita, it's not to drown our sorrows, but instead it's to celebrate our life, and applaud our strength. Although we might just be reveling in the fact that our tormentor no longer has a stronghold on us, we do wish for the sake of all humanity and the intricate web that connects us all, that they might grow a heart one day and resolve to become better people. 

Either way, each step we take through the journey of life, we are given the opportunity to enjoy it fully and to love ourselves and others with wild abandon. No one can ever take that away from any of us. So the next time you get a lemon, throw some tequila into the mix but don't cry about it, see it as a chance to find something wonderful, even if it is not immediately apparent.  Because love is what makes the world go round. And without it, we'd be just as bad as our personal tormentors.

Tribal Law of Sisterhood

"Stop fighting and bickering.  One day you will realize how thankful you are for one another." ~ Our Mom, Mother of 4 Girls

There is something about having sisters that is an incredible gift.  My three sisters are my best friends.  No matter where we are in life or where life takes us, we always have each other.  We are sometimes strewn miles apart in our locations, differences, beliefs, convictions and habits, but our hearts are melded together in a bond that cannot be broken.  A bond that does not judge and a bond that only gets stronger with time.  

Of course as young girls, we fought, yelled and slammed doors in one anothers faces.  We stole clothes from each others closets and tattled when appropriate and to our advantage.  But as we grew up into young women, then wives, then mothers, we restored our sisterhood when we found we could balance life a little easier when we could revert to our familiar and comfortable role as sisters.  There is nothing in the world like having sisters. And there is nothing in the world that I wouldn't do for any of one of them. 

It's hard to explain sisterhood to those who don't have sisters. It's a complicated relationship based entirely on the cosmic rules of birth, shared blood and circumstance. Sisters aren't able to choose one another. Thrown together by fate and by the family they are born into, they must learn to tolerate one another's sudden appearance into their lives. Suddenly everything must be shared, and attentions must be split. Then rules and boundaries must be created in order to maintain individual identities while concurrently becoming friends. Conflicts arise as these boundaries are identified and experimented with. Lines are drawn and re-drawn, some are negotiated, some are forced. Yet inevitably with time, these closely guarded borders loosen. There is no need now for such a tight reign as we sisters have grown to trust and rely on one another and as we realize that without a doubt, if all others fail us, we will never fail each other. Our sisterhood is a tribe whose terrain is protected and defended vigorously.

Of course, mistakes are made, communication errors abound and misunderstandings occur.  Enough battles will be fought to sink any friendship but not a sisterhood.  These things only strengthen the bond and enforce the reliance on one another. For that is all it is - a temporary blip, a learning experience, learning to say I'm sorry and being sure to forgive. Because now matter what we do, we will always be sisters. We can never change that fact. Ever. 

Soon we appreciate the dawning realization that we are each others keepers for our entire existence and probably beyond. We have pack codes, a secret language and an intimate knowledge of each other that begins at birth and goes on through out our entire existence. We accept each other completely for who we are. We expect and fulfill a lifetime commitment to each other that requires no ceremony, no legalities, and no approvals. There is not another person on this earth that can penetrate our sister tribe or understand us the way we understand each other. We can all speak at once and still have heard each word the other said. We can speak with no words and still know what the other conveyed. We are each others universe,  a vast and complicated territory where no man dares tread and where others are intrigued by the mystery of this intense relationship we have. We are impenetrable. We are sisters united by our childhood. We know each others hearts, fundamental selves and are linked by a volatile love that gives meaning to our lives. There is no better friend than a sister and my sisters, there is no one better than you!

She is your mirror, shining back at you with a world of possibilities.  She is your witness, who sees you at your worst and best, and loves you anyway.  She is your partner in crime, your midnight companion, someone who knows when you are smiling, even in the dark.  She is your teacher, your defense attorney, your personal press agent, even your shrink.  Some days, she's the reason you wish you were an only child.  ~Barbara Alpert

Ensalada de Pollo de Bling

In my never ending quest for excellent lunch menu items, I've come up with a fabulous spring recipe worth sharing. This dish, best served cool, is easily transportable and would be great to bring to a potluck, a picnic, a luncheon or even as a dinner side. I personally think this dish would pair nicely with blanket rolled out at the beach, bare feet and  a bubbling Prosecco. But without all that glam, it still worked nicely for my weekday work lunches which I paired with a big ole glass of agua.

Ensalada de Pollo de Bling (glammed up chicken salad with some bling)

Dairy Free, Grain Free (so naturally Gluten-Free), Egg Free and can be made Nut Free

• Cook a whole organic pastured chicken:
• Wash the chicken and remove innards
• Rub in a bit of olive oil and a good bit of salt and pepper
• Cook at 450 degrees for 15 minutes then turn down heat to 375 degrees for another hour, depending on the size of the chicken 
• When done, check to be sure chicken reaches appropriate temperature
• Set the chicken aside to cool
• Pull the meat off from the bone
• Shred or chop the cooked chicken into bite size pieces and put in a bowl

• Add to the shredded/chopped chicken:
• 1/2 cup chopped golden raisins
• 1/4 cup finely chopped nuts (I used walnuts, pecans, pumpkins seeds and macadamias that I blended lightly together in a blender so they came out somewhat powdery - I don't like to have to chew nuts but still want the benefits)
• 1 chopped organic apple
• 2 cups chopped organic greens (I used kale and chard)
• Organic olive oil drizzled on to taste
• Pepper to taste
• Mix well. Then throw off your shoes, pour yourself a glass of Prosecco and savor the goodness.

Some other ideas, as this is a very malleable recipe:

-Substitute flax oil for the olive oil
-Eat with a red wine rather than a white
-Use the chicken carcass to make yourself some good ole healthy home-made broth
-Wrap the chicken in lettuce to make a chicken taco

Remembering Maddie

I don't know why they call it heartbreak.  

It feels like every other part of my body is broken too.  

~Missy Altijd

Animal friendships must be inextricably linked to human friendships.  For when an animal leaves this world, no matter where the human relationships involved in that animal's life have ventured during those years, they are most always brought back together to mourn the loss. It is as if love has scratched a trail across our hearts so that we may always find our way back to ourselves and to each other. And so I begin with the story of Maddie. 

Super tiny baby Maddie with Warren and Sarah

Many years ago, while going to school and living on campus with my husband, we became friends with Lisa who was the apartment manager in our building. I have to credit my husband, Warren, for the introductions. I tend a bit on the introvert side of things and had not yet made it a point to meet my neighbors. Within three days of my husband moving in with me, he had met most of the tenants on our floor, including Lisa who lived right next door. After a few times of hanging out with Lisa, we discovered, besides a mutual love of cocktails, a friendship that would stand the test of time. 

Lisa, Sarah and Warren

Not long after we met Lisa, we met Jenny, one of Lisa's long time friends. As fate would have it, the four of us bonded pretty much right away. And not too long after we all met, Lisa brought Maddie home. A 'teeny tiny and too young to be away from her mom' kitten. Of course, we all immediately rooted ourselves in this baby kitten's life, establishing our role as godparents, even introducing her to our cats who zealously took on the role of cat cousins.

Lisa, Jenny and Sarah

Lisa had trouble deciding on a name for this little bundle of strawberry blond fur. So for a while we tried out the name Dixie on her. Then for a time she was Montana Poquito.  There might have been more but eventually Lisa settled on Maddie. Once Maddie had her name, she officially began her life as a kitten. A crazy one at that. You know how kittens are, running wild at all hours of the night only to drop like a narcoleptic, sleeping like the dead. In a short time, Lisa was a bit overwhelmed. She wasn't sure this business of being a cat mom was really her thing. She even asked us how we would feel about adopting Maddie. Of course, as much as we loved Maddie, we knew that Maddie and Lisa were meant for each other. We pushed Lisa to give it a couple more weeks. Wanting to really give it go, Lisa tried. Within a few short days, Lisa came by our apartment to inform us that she had fallen in love with Maddie and was going to keep her. We sorta knew that was going to happen!

Warren and baby Maddie

As Maddie grew, we had 'cat play dates' with all of us. Our cats would visit Lisa's apartment where they would teach Maddie how to do cat things like getting up on the kitchen counters, knocking knick knacks out of windows, and playing chase up and down and all over the living room. And we would invite Maddie over to eat catnip and hang at our pad. Just like their humans, the three cats became best of friends. 

Oshun, Maddie and Boozie eating catnip

Maddie even adopted one of her miniature toy kittens as a baby of her own. She took 'Baby' as we now called it to the food bowl, to the water bowl and all around the house with her. There were some times when we panicked that Baby may have been lost.  This was not a phase, for Maddie kept Baby with her for the rest of her days.

Baby

Eventually, we all graduated and moved from campus.  Without planning, we happened to move to the same neighborhood as Jenny, and Lisa was just a bike ride away. As we were now in the 'burbs, we began to teach our cats how to be outside. Warren built an outdoor enclosure out of chicken wire where the cats could come and go outside from an open window in the house. When Maddie visited she would join her cousins in the big adventure of discovering the outside world. 

Oshun, Boozie and Maddie in the outdoor enclosure

After a few years, as it happens, the four of us moved farther apart, got real jobs, and began to carve out our own niches in the world. We didn't see each other as much but when we did, it was always a reunion for us as well as expectant updates on our cats. Sadly, we lost Oshun when she was just 5 years old and Boozie when he was 11.  Then we mourned the loss of Jennys best canine friend Frieda.  But Miss Maddie out lived them all. Just recently, at 14 years old, Maddie’s heart grew old and eventually stopped beating. She joined her cousins in the spirit world. We are certain that they welcomed her and showed her around. In fact, we are even more certain that they have resumed their play once again and are now wreaking havoc all over cat heaven! 

Maddie growing up, with Warren

Maddie growing up, with Sarah and Warren

When the news reached me, Maddie was already gone. Brokenhearted for our animal and human friend, I immediately contacted Jenny to let her know. We all reconnected by voicemails, missed calls and texts, sending our love out to Lisa and to each other.  Warren and I pulled out our pre-digital camera/pre iPhone photos (aka: paper photos, remember those?) where we spent a better portion of the evening reminiscing over Maddie pictures. Tears slid down our cheeks even as we chuckled as we remembered her shenaningens which led to us remembering all the great times we all had together. 

Coming together in not only the good times but also in the hard times is the true celebration of friendship.That's when we realized how our animal friendships have made way for our human friendships. Going even more out on a limb, we pondered whether our animal friends choose us so that they may be there with us as we forge a path through life, leading us to people we need to have in our lives; and when they leave us, it is not just their time to go, but also their way of saying they have done their part and can only journey with us so far. They know we will be ok for they will truly not be gone because they will live  on in our hearts forever. 

We will miss you, Miss Maddie and we are very thankful for the friendship you provided us and for the human friendships you encouraged. You took such wonderful care of your mama. Please stay close to her heart while she heals and visit her now and again. I just know she'd appreciate that! 

When you are sorrowful look again in your heart,

and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight. 

-Kahlil Gibran

In loving memory of Maddie,

Sass

This post is dedicated to all who have mourned for the loss of their beloved pets.  Our friend Deb lost her cat, Texas; our other friend Deb lost her dog Tobin; my friend Karen lost her dog Buck; my sister Barb who lost her dog Shera, her cat Urni and her dog Chad-Chad; my sister Janet who lost their cat Peaches; my sister Susan who lost her cat Ariel; my parents who lost their dogs Timmy, Freda and Annie; my inlaws who lost their beagles Bacon and Bits; Pam and Dave who lost their lab; my friend Roz who lost her two cats; my aunt who lost her Dalmatian; my friend and sister Gwyn who lost her cat; my friend Kathy who lost her rottie Athena; our friends Irene and Dave who have lost and loved many pugs and precious Goldie; my cousin Sandy who lost Lacey just today; and all those who I have not mentioned - you are loved.

Rhythm and Honey of Words

"To re-create something in words is like being alive twice". -unknown.

I was inspired today but one of my favorite authors, Carolina de Robertis. She urged us writers to "...Read. It’s hard to make the time, I know, I know. But don’t skip it. That’s like a pro athlete who skips exercise. Or a chef with anorexia. Reading is the essential foundation of the love affair with language that lets you make art...".  If you read my blog regularly, you know I've already written about my own love affair with reading. I'll knock back 1-2 books a week, sometimes reading long into the night or straight through a whole weekend. 

When I read, a sequence of mystical events are initiated. The more I read, the better I write. Ideas flow freely, inspiration abounds, creativity jumps at the chance to express itself and then the urge to write is insatiable. Two choices exist, write or don't write. If I write, I am afforded the chance to scribe with the cadence that drives me and for a little while be cured of the fever. If I don't write, I am enveloped in an emotional tormented state, my ambition at war with my purpose. Eventually, as I hold my impulse at bay, my motivation wanes and the next time I feel the compulsion to put pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard), it becomes just a little bit harder to get the words out, almost as if that were punishment from whatever forces demand the words flow.  I might as well obey or suffer the consequences, right?  

My mother says all writing is a kind of suspended mental moment. We can never go back and recreate it, we can't remember how we wrote it, and we don't know where it came from. So you see, it would be as if I were squandering a precious gift from the gods. It is my sense of duty, my obligation to read countless books, burning the midnight oil. I take pleasure basking in the the rhythm and honey of other writers words and that my friend, makes my words all the sweeter. 

In the Kingdom of the Seasons

Every Spring I find myself in awe and wonder, full of hope, and just a little bit stir crazy. There is always a tug of war in the kingdom of the seasons. Winters are long in the Pacific Northwest. The sun rarely visits, the days are cold and soggy and the nights are spent listening to the freezing rain pouring through the heavens. Evenings become our saving grace. Inside, in the warmth, we wear our winter socks and huddle under blankets watching movies and playing games. We concoct all sorts of soups, stews and big cuts of meat that simmer all day then deliciously greet us after work with edible aromas. We scour our bartender bibles for strong libations. Winter has taken hold, continuing his nefarious rule over the seasons.

However, once the December holidays have been thoroughly celebrated then boxed up and put away, we begin the long descent awaiting Spring. Our rain jackets and rain boots grow mildew from never completely drying out.  The moisture cultivates farms of intricate moss that flourishes on every crevice of our cars, windows, front steps, bare tree limbs and walkways. It seems that every movie has been seen, every seasonal recipe tried and every game overplayed. Newscasters have worn out and overused their synonyms for rain (precipitation, showers, drizzle, driving mist, freezing rain, deluge, torrents, downpours, sprinkles, buckets...). Intrinsically, the desire for Spring takes root leaving us restless and ill at ease.

Then one day, almost imperceptibly, Spring arrives at the heels of Winter with Summer pushing in from behind, poking her head out just enough to encourage the sleeping trees and dormant bulbs to stir, setting in motion the miracle of life. Although she never rushes into things, the magic by which this mysterious season deposes her beauty around us always lures me into sheer amazement. When did the flowering fruit trees suddenly turn pink and the tiny green sprouts pushing through the hardened winter earth become bright yellow blooming daffodils? Birds begin to appear with their morning melodies when yesterday and in the long months before there was only silence.

As we emerge from hibernation, we find ourselves revitalized and consumed with plans. We pour over seed catalogues deciding what to plant in the vegetable garden; when to order mulch to fill our sodden garden beds, when to sprinkle grass seeds over muddy lawns; and what we will grill on the first sunny day. We schedule summer trips to the beach, make reservations at campgrounds and purchase wood for backyard fires.

On weekends, every window is forced open to let the stale Winter air free, inviting in the tasty breezes of early Spring. Rugs are taken outside and shaken furiously. Flowers, although mostly out of season still, are picked or bought and displayed on tables to discourage the Winter spirits from lingering.

Winter may imagine itself to be the more daunting force of nature but Spring is resilient and set in her ways. She will toss Winter from the dominion with a mandate to stay far, far, away while Spring has her corresponding time on the throne. After months of plowing through Winter's monotony, Spring reminds us to slow down and coast in neutral while enjoying her wanton displays of beauty. She puts a spring in our steps, gives us hope and inspires. Just as the withered world around us is coming back to life after a long slumber, so it is as our spirits re-awaken.